The Travelling Minstrel

On Such Days...

2008-12-22T09:02:00.001-08:00

When I've had a crazy day like today
I go into my shell
and I want to be left alone
when I sit and make my grand plans

Those moments when I'm feeling like a loser
I want nothing more than a tender hug
I don't want to be told anything
I don't want to be asked
I only want to lie down in bed
in the comfort of your arms

No talk can reassure me
No conversation can be a balm
All I need is your touch
and a shoulder to drop my silent tear on!

So that I can sleep this night
and not go insane
So that I can wake up and face tomorrow
and shine all over again :)

2008-10-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

Only, for now

the fear is ripe

of a damage that is etched in time,

on a concrete slab of white marble,

that refuses to fade

Only, for now

there are lies in a dream

fabrications

fabulations

memory creating fiction

between the canvas and the thought

Only, for now

the smile is crooked

half-hearted efforts

to consume strawberry jelly

without spilling

Only, for now

hope has lost its way

and encountered a black hole

where time stands like a ravaged momument

questioning all myths of progress

Last Night...

2008-10-15T04:35:00.000-07:00

(Present day 15 October 2008)
Last night I dreamt the strangest of dreams... My tongue rolled back and chocked my throat, my upper teeth fell out of my mouth and no matter how hard I tried they just wouldn’t stick on the jaw again... I held them in my hand making a mental note of visiting the dentist at day break but admitting that all was lost forever... Horrified, I turned sides in my sleep only to face a monster bug with thorns sticking out ready to plunge into my ear and accidentally touching it, causing immense pain in my fingers... realising that it was only a dream, I tried hard enough to open my eyes but in spite of the struggle I couldn’t do it. That is all that I remember of the surreal night... the fear along with disbelief, the sense of loss in spite of hope, and dilemma that brought to surface the lyrics of a Green Day song...
Another turning point; a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist; directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test and don't ask why.
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time.

vis-à-vis

(Down memory lane 27 July 2005...)
last night i killed myself....
and wept with tears of blood...
the passive longing of my nights turned into a death-wish
and drowned all my dreams in it.

i used to indulge in sleep-walking
today i have no feet to support me
i used to look up at the sun and mock its loneliness
today i do not exist!

there was a fire
which casted me in this mould
there was a shadow
which gave faith to my soul

but last night i killed myself...
and wept with tears of blood
because my "i" lost its essence
because there is no "i" anymore.

Adieu

2008-09-30T07:20:00.000-07:00

Bidding goodbye to Montreal was not the hardest of tasks. It had been a constant preoccupation since almost a week, but when the time to leave the apartment came there was a crowd of familiar faces, who made Montreal what it will forever be for me! There was no kissing the door, no turning around to catch a last glimpse of Durocher, just a peck on the cheek that lasted as long as it takes for a tear to roll down – a moment that collapsed forever into itself – a hug which didn’t want to let go but also through that clutch conveyed its conviction of a better future, a smile through twinkling blinking eyes... and silence thereafter!! No words could have expressed the magnitude of that infinitesimally small moment – and that is what goodbyes are like in the real world. The “may be” and the “of course”... the hints at future possibilities of next-time meet-ups or the knowledge of them not happening ever... Is there ever really an end to meetings and partings? If there was then hope would stand suspect to emotion and moments such as this would cease to matter so much... but this was not such an instance. It was more like the time when you read a page and bookmark it for life before turning the leaf over... moving on...!!!

Written on the British Airways flight from Montreal to London (19^th August 2008) 00:35 (IST)

Postcolonial

2008-08-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

We have always been here... stone blocks paved on the side walk... standing stiff, representing the character of the place that has its name after ours and we, we are nameless today because what we were earlier we can’t be anymore... time has eroded our cultural identity, water has washed out our social significance and in this postcolonial world we have to stand by the rules which the world dictates. Any act of identity formation is vastly nuanced and in this act an assertion of the self takes precedence but in our present immobile state, we lack the agency to assert...

Once we commanded and there was also a time when we allowed being lead but now we are generally tossed around... we do have a common faith that works as most belief systems do but we erect no stone idols, super-stone images of our own selves to pay obeisance to... what we follow is the golden rule of hierarchy... the ancient dictum at the Oracle of Delphi: ‘Gnothi Seaton’; carved stones never lie; guides our beliefs... do we possess a spirit? That kind of a question can only be asked by those who do not know what a spirit is!! Can you define it? And if you can, then you automatically know if we have one or not, therefore, we leave it up to your beliefs...

We do not know who we are... and we do not want to be loud about it... all we have left with us is our muted voices which almost sound similar to the sound made by dried leaves when they are crushed by the foot of a man... we empathise, we wish we could make our hearts bleed if that was possible in order to show solidarity; but do not show pity... we do not need yours! Give us a minute of your time s'il vous plaise, and in that moment we hope to make you understand how our apparent insignificance is of utmost importance to our own alter selves and we hate to be kicked around, trampled on all the time in acts of intimacy with the gum-stuck soles of your feet!

Posted in retrospect

2008-07-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

The heavy fingers that are typing this aren’t even aware of where they’re falling…it is my first brush with thoughtless writing, albeit in a drunken state… I’m not writing because I want to write..I do it because I have to! There is something inside which swells up as if I am pregnant with an idea, and then wants to come out on paper only to assert its existence. Existential… it does exist…essentialism…it is there! very much a part of the rose that I drowned in…not so bothered about the next few hours really, I take just 20 minutes to pass into the netherworld where the fingers are heavy…it is a huge task to lift the fingers and drop them down … the brain is sending the right signals out and the outward demeanour is all cool and composed but of course I’m lost to this world already..The brows are getting heavy and the mind is playing its wicked games... how do I spell right? It is only because MS Word has a grammar check on me and I keep going back to whatever it suggests in terms of changes...these software guys do a good job...actually not just for the computer but they make life easier for a lot of us... I’ve often wondered if it’ll be a good idea to date an Engineer...someone from pure sciences...a guy with a rationale...a stable outlook...ideas that are almost formulas... rule book in one hand...do this, don’t do that...I-hate-philosophical-talks-coz-they-waste-my-time type of a guy... how’ll I ever survive???

Hail, rand...save me...send me a John Galt please will you? He was a pure sciences guy, not like Rowark, who was an artist...but Galt...he waited and waited till it was time...only Dagny never knew...will I never know??? But she did get Galt...oh whatever!!! It is about time I move on really! The other day I couldn’t relate to these things and in my drunken state I want nothing more than this....Interesting, right? How one can be so hypocritical WITH one’s own self at odd times is definitely interesting...only if my foot wasn’t broken right now, I would have been out having fun doing something more interesting than typing random stuff online which might have spelling errors and gross grammatical mistakes..You think if I tried Hindi it would make more sense? After all it is my mother tongue. My mom was a Hindi poet...she wrote a poem about me once and I cherish it...my mom!! I miss her every second of my life...and I’m so drunk right now that she wouldn’t have approved of this craziness...like love does...of course I know the smell of love...if you don’t...I pity you, but it is an experience worth cherishing...you never know how and when you’ll get it in life...it just knocks on your door as if it is just passing by and it is up to you to let it in...Well, not so easily if you’re in a phase... lots of things matter then....lotsa things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You may wonder if I’ll puke tonight after so much drinking but it is a therapy, you see...after my broken ankle there isn’t much I can do sitting here on the stupid dining table for three hours...I want a party for a group of 7-8 and that should be fun and I want to cook for them just like right now when I’m doing nothing but typing random stuff on my keyboard that I will visit tomorrow morning with the realisation of the mess I made here....just coz I am drunk...only excuse that! But does it work in most circumstances... maybe it does I don’t know...It sure does at times.... but I won’t relate those to you...sorry...it is definitely the craziest writing I’ve ever done and I’m so darn aware of all those things I shouldn’t be writing about that its funny.. We talk about self-reflexivity in writing and this, my dear students, is a live example... I never knew that one could be so perceptive in a drunken state... and why the hell am I typing anyways ... not to prove to the world that I can make sense when I’m so... sa, re, ga, ma, pa, dha, ni, sa...I don’t care about you...I only want some sleep and a big warm hug.....anyone willing out there? Anyone making sense of this rainbow that has more than seven colours and is not a semi-circle to say the least! Well, good if you don’t get it; but if you do then climb the sinking boat and let us sail as far as we can before plummeting into the deep recesses of the wide ocean of incoherence... I am experiencing the delight in release, in letting go.... Randomness, I love thee!

C'est la vie!

2008-07-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

The sufi dervish made a sand castle. A princess bought it from him for a hookah full of tobacco and barred the emperor from entering it.

The little girl in a polka dot frock skipped on a rope keeping count. The gunshots grew louder as the count increased.

The lovers met over a cup of hot chocolate at half past midnight. A group of street children tumbled past them stomping all over their dreams.

The sky turned a mild orange above the Rockies. A seagull flying high got caught in the wings of a seaplane adding colour to the wind.

The heir less tycoon proposed to buy a womb for a million bucks. A prostitute aborted as her unborn child belonged to a man from a lower caste.

The hunchback carried elixir in skin pouches. A group of wandering minstrels quenched their thirst with it and acquired wings with which they flew towards the sun.

- 16^th July 2008

- On the bus from Montreal to Toronto!

You (2)

2008-07-03T17:59:00.000-07:00

I make some part of your today

But you know I will be gone tomorrow

Filling up the silences between breaths

I extend my hand

To take away your sorrow

I may be just a moment for you

A passing fancy

A may fly; but

You

Your heartbeat sings me a lullaby

Your smile envelops me like a starlit night-sky

Dreaming next to you, I am free.

A fond trip down the gluttonous lanes of Delhi University’s North Campus

2008-06-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

Chicken steamed momos, golden fried corn/ potato, thukpa, fried rice and fruit beer at Momos Point, Kamala Nagar (not K’Nags, you new kids on the block!!!)

Rushing for Tomato Soup with bread crumbs before every class all winter @ Ramjas

Mutton cutlets, cheese omelettes and dosa at D-School

Law Fac Nescafe Iced teas and maggi

HCF @ Nirula’s (you don’t know what HCF is??!!!...Shame on you!)

Bhel Puri at Patel Chest

Bun and butter, egg patties @ Hira’s outside Ramjas (R.I.P)

Sweet Samosa's at Gwyer Hall

Pao Bhaji across Daulat Ram

Rajma Chawal, Chhole Bhature, Spring Rolls at Ramjas

Banta and gyaan at Lachchu bhaiya’s thela outside Ramjas & Alan’s outside Hindu

Maggie @ Tom Uncle’s (R.I.P)

Tuesday Prasad at Ram Mandir, Kirori Mal

Nimbu Paani and Juice @ the Holistic Food Centre, Arts Fac

Coffee, chips, Pepsi and cookies (an occasional pizza too) – Room 53, Arts Fac!!!

Aloo paranthas at the witching hour at Maurice Nagar Police Station

Chai & bakkar – anytime, anywhere!!!!

All you fellas....add on!

Randomness...

2008-06-19T13:46:00.001-07:00

Jumping on trampoline
Receding into welcoming abyss
Clutching the sleeve for reassurance
Screaming into the face of nightmarish wind

Posing for perfection
Moping for shared preferences
Lazing for stretching time
Grinning the same grin

Culminating into randomness!

Love's Fool

2008-06-19T11:07:00.000-07:00

Trickster with affable charm

Disarmed this love’s fool

Struggling with comprehension

Galloping over some random moon

Pretence, protest, piquancy;

Were all but arms in a one-sided battle?

5 a.m. - 16 June 08

2008-06-16T02:12:00.000-07:00

After a mere touch of you, I can live in peace

I can lose myself in your light
I can lose myself in your name

My days dance with joy, nights sing in wonder

I win you while losing myself...

YOU

2008-06-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

You are possessed of dancing silhouettes
You are a feeling at my fingertips
You, the voyeur, the masked soul
You are the raging dervish
You are made of infinite boxes
You, the wood rat, the feline too
You are the totem – the insight
You, oblivious to chance and fate
You, the doer, the mover and shaker
You are the thirst only you can satiate!

12th June 2008

I have been tagged

2008-06-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

Eastman tagged me; so here it goes....

I am: a juggler, a firefly, a glow bug, a unicorn
I think: and screw it all... mostly!
I know: I can....can do; will do
I want: a hug - all the time!
I have: my hands, my eyes, my two left-feet and my faith
I wish: upon stars, mail vans, while passing under a bridge
I hate: everything fake
I miss: Ma!
I fear: not anymore... Its over with!
I feel: strongly...a person of extreme emotions
I hear: the rain on my windowsill, the sound of water boiling in the pot, clock's tick-tock, the wind
I smell: the wet earth, maggi :)
I crave: for touch
I search: for warmth
I wonder: all the time about everything...told you I was a dreamer!
I regret: Running away from stuff which carried other people's hopes
I love: passionately
I ache: when I see homeless old people
I care: a lot...all the time!
I am NOT: complex or confused...give me a break!
I believe: in myself
I dance: in spite of two left-feet...trip over my own feet all the time!
I sing: as if no one can hear :)
I cry: when I am alone
I don't always: make sense
I fight: rarely...mostly with myself
I write: when it swells in me
I win: I don't care about winning, as long as I give it my best shot...so lets say I try my best!
I lose: track of time
I never: abuse...I swear but that's different
I always: smile
I confuse: most stuff
I listen: all the time...you can pour out here
I can usually be found: day-dreaming
I am scared: of heights!!
I need: answers...soon
I am happy about: life right now :)
I imagine: good things

Lady Oracle - 30 May 2008

2008-06-07T22:09:00.000-07:00

Written On the Air Canada Flight from Montreal to Vancouver...
... Between snacking up on the sandwiches made of pate, salsa and green coriander chutney; I peep out of my window and find myself in flight... nestled in my window seat 20K on AC 195, I am, next to the right wing of the airplane; looking out at the vast uneven blanket of white below wherein lies the world that breathes...
My newfound fascination for tomato juice may be as short-lived as this five-and-a-half hour flight; but I relished each sip I took, holding the thick liquid in my mouth, wetting my dry lips and finally taking it in.. in one single gulp!
Looking out...at times the white parts reveal the terrain below which reminds me of the relief maps we used in school.
This urge for picking a pen has never been so sudden and desperate as it is right now when I am on my way to one of the most beautiful places in the world...
Long nails, longer than they've ever been, and a careless self indulgent languor I carry with me...
What impression did I leave on the Chinese-Canadian air hostess doesn't bother me at all, as long as I am supplied with my next glass of tomato juice...If I tell people who "supposedly" know me, however rare that may be, they wouldn't believe that it was plain tomato, not spiked that I was tripping on... just as well for the lot!
Oh! How I wish this plane journey never ends for me. My second flight; after the Delhi-Heathrow-Montreal one... I don't call it London since it was only Heathrow I saw; and I am already loving the heavens above...
It is the sense of space...the uninterrupted vast sheet of pure white with little kids playing hide and seek in it so wherever there is a child hiding below the sheet, it swells up into the shape of a cloud... the silence, the liquid gold sunlight kissing the white leaving it with an ethereal glow that may be also a sight on a snow covered land mass.. but not so cosy, not so beyond reach..not so surreal...I can feel the plane descending; the slow drop off into another altitude as if the base below shifts and makes way for another hand to hold us with, a cushion to rest upon...
This is the farthest I've been from home; the west coast of Canada...alone again... Montreal was becoming a familiar place, usual...I started enjoying!... Here, I am going with rose-petaled eyes...
May be I will see the Canadian Rockies soon...this time my trip has no list, there was a plan which I dropped...only instinct and desire...a wishlist... Is a wishlist part of a plan??? and what about the hope that the golden sunlight brings in its wake? I am hopelessly hopeful...will always be!...that is what kills, turns deeper into me like a knife..hurts...causes pain...
Human nature is the same the world over...Be it something that Rachel and I shared over gtalk/ salad or Kathleen and I muddled about over the pint of beer made like the ones in the British raj days...the true essentialism is the emotion.. whatever that means...The girl at the Montreal airport lounge A3, who kept crying since she was afraid that her mother suffering from some terminal illness may not even last the duration of this flight, doesn't even know that this stranger from another time and place empathised exactly how much when she gave her a tissue to wipe her tears...As an afterthought, I wish I had hugged her instead, may be for my sake...and said exactly what I once wanted to hear about bidding goodbyes.. but it may not have made sense at that moment for her...for me... She had to live it on her own to find out what she needed to know...human emotions may be the same, but our ways of expression are different, exclusive in display, excruciatingly detailed at times...oh, heck! the plane is turbulent...we are in an air pocket... (Montreal time : 21:10)
..........................................................................................................................................................................

Flying into the sun...it feels, chasing one sunset after another... East to West...my journey has been towards hope again :)

..........................................................................................................................................................................

(Montreal time: 22:30) - Flying over the Rockies...nostalgic about the Himalayas... clouds hanging over the mountains like tasteless, lifeless white candy-floss...like a six point snow flake...a meandering river making way...plane turbulence again....

Temporal

2008-05-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

Shared Disguise
Masked Pretensions
Blurring Beliefs
Riding on the Ferrari of Time

Common Breaths
Cold Feet
Lip-locked Fingers
Random acts of Faith

Mind's Twilight
Feigned Moderation
..................................
Holiday Romance!

26th May 2008

Tramp....

2008-05-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

Human race is my race
My colour is opaque
I theorise upon the entire world
as if it was all the same
I have hair which changes colour
and green eyes that are sometimes red
I have a big family and
everyone is a friend
Oh, but my gender is my only marker
since I am often called a tramp!

A Room of Thousand Mirrors

2008-05-04T23:15:00.000-07:00

There has been the silence of the longest kind
And all is but empty, strangely a void
The clock has tick-tocked with the passage of time
Terrible has been the loneliness, its curse ails the mind…

A castle upon a river, a night of rain and thunder
The moat brimming with water
A knock on the door which presented her:
The golden girl seeking shelter

The days of glory long past this life
In this dreary castle lives a knight
His armour rusty, his sword blunt
All but twenty and eight years of life

He has seen no battle
He has seen no glory
He has seen no living mortal
Except an old nurse dreary

In a room full of a thousand mirrors
Meet the knight and his golden maiden
A thousand desires; a thousand longings
A flight of a thousand ominous ravens

Ill-begotten, the night was ill-fated
When mute as two wax dolls
Faced each other: the knight and the golden pixie

Liquid was the light in the room of a thousand mirrors
The flame of the candle scorched his heart into unrest
The hour struck midnight and the gong
Matched the tremors nestling in her breast

He lifted his hand, he lifted her veil
At that moment lightning struck his tallest tower
She lifted her eyes, caressing his face with her gaze
As the flames danced wild tempting their fate

A thousand mirrors, a thousand voyeurs
A thousand moments passed since then
A thousand breaths and screams and gasps
A thousand tremors, leaps and bounds
A thousand flames rushed ahead

Three drops of blood, three drops of tears
Tears of joy, blood of passion
Three beads of sweat from the growing heat
And they knew their end was near…

A thousand years hence, theirs was a story
Of love found but not known
A story which fate tempted and fate bemoaned
A story of which no praise was ever sung
The story of the golden girl and her knight
Who died like their story burning in love’s kingdom a treacherous night
In the room full of a thousand mirrors!

Ummm.......

2008-04-17T22:36:00.001-07:00

its sugar on fire

its a cold desire

its hail and breeze

its hot chocolate and cheese!

Trapeze

2008-04-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

Tight-rope walker
Climbing the ladder with a firm spine
Up, up, way up
From where everything appears minute to the eye

Minute but clear, and yet distant
Such a plethora of views it gives
The thrill of free fall
with the mind cushioned on the safety net

I fly and fall into your arms
you, who is hanging by the trapeze!

12th April 2008

I am a figment of your imagination

2008-04-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have never bothered writing prose earlier...you see, poetry came naturally to me..I can even rhyme while I'm asleep! So what am I doing here?? Sometimes metaphors are not enough..sometimes when you want to say things out loud, language fails you and then you are left with a silence, a dejection - a total loss! I've lived with silence and survived it too. I fought with it, then gave up and suddenly without even realising it, I'm free..and, therefore, I am writing about a long night of musings.

It so happened by chance and then things built up - one on another - the background to the conversation was the plitter-platter of raindrops; till the time voice took over and it drifted into the world of dreams.

Was that a dream? A fleeting moment which lasted too long and tasted so true. I am a dreamer - at least have been one for sure. Why does doubt creep in then? Why do all red herrings emerge and warn? Why can't happiness be a stable state? Why so many questions??? Why laundry at this hour!!!

So to test it, I got up and mused some more... It was alive! Real-time and no kidding there! And rubbing my eyes I moved into a wider grin and ultimately uninterrupted laughter. There is a thing called "emotion detector", which sadly I don't have. A pity I like things straight and simple. Complex is passe or academic! So the moment is what matters and what you carry forward with it is what life will be...

Again language escapes me, words fail me and the emotion is not getting through! It is big, really grand - but "big" and "grand" do not convey the euphoria! The excitement of a sixteen year old's first crush is hard to imagine when you yourself haven't had any, but may be it does feel like it or there wouldn't have been so much talk.

At least you know I'm for real...you can read my words - my attempts at comprehension! The morning after is certainly the most awkward of all :)

Welcome Aboard

2008-04-12T14:41:00.000-07:00

12th April 2008

The blog is an attempt to write... to create, to divulge, to pour out - unashamedly without caring about who reads and what! On this cold rainy day in Montreal, I am a happy person.

Such is the joy in sharing!!!

Happy reading :)