We have always been here... stone blocks paved on the side walk... standing stiff, representing the character of the place that has its name after ours and we, we are nameless today because what we were earlier we can’t be anymore... time has eroded our cultural identity, water has washed out our social significance and in this postcolonial world we have to stand by the rules which the world dictates. Any act of identity formation is vastly nuanced and in this act an assertion of the self takes precedence but in our present immobile state, we lack the agency to assert...
Once we commanded and there was also a time when we allowed being lead but now we are generally tossed around... we do have a common faith that works as most belief systems do but we erect no stone idols, super-stone images of our own selves to pay obeisance to... what we follow is the golden rule of hierarchy... the ancient dictum at the Oracle of Delphi: ‘Gnothi Seaton’; carved stones never lie; guides our beliefs... do we possess a spirit? That kind of a question can only be asked by those who do not know what a spirit is!! Can you define it? And if you can, then you automatically know if we have one or not, therefore, we leave it up to your beliefs...
We do not know who we are... and we do not want to be loud about it... all we have left with us is our muted voices which almost sound similar to the sound made by dried leaves when they are crushed by the foot of a man... we empathise, we wish we could make our hearts bleed if that was possible in order to show solidarity; but do not show pity... we do not need yours! Give us a minute of your time s'il vous plaise, and in that moment we hope to make you understand how our apparent insignificance is of utmost importance to our own alter selves and we hate to be kicked around, trampled on all the time in acts of intimacy with the gum-stuck soles of your feet!
The heavy fingers that are typing this aren’t even aware of where they’re falling…it is my first brush with thoughtless writing, albeit in a drunken state… I’m not writing because I want to write..I do it because I have to! There is something inside which swells up as if I am pregnant with an idea, and then wants to come out on paper only to assert its existence. Existential… it does exist…essentialism…it is there! very much a part of the rose that I drowned in…not so bothered about the next few hours really, I take just 20 minutes to pass into the netherworld where the fingers are heavy…it is a huge task to lift the fingers and drop them down … the brain is sending the right signals out and the outward demeanour is all cool and composed but of course I’m lost to this world already..The brows are getting heavy and the mind is playing its wicked games...how do I spell right? It is only because MS Word has a grammar check on me and I keep going back to whatever it suggests in terms of changes...these software guys do a good job...actually not just for the computer but they make life easier for a lot of us... I’ve often wondered if it’ll be a good idea to date an Engineer...someone from pure sciences...a guy with a rationale...a stable outlook...ideas that are almost formulas... rule book in one hand...do this, don’t do that...I-hate-philosophical-talks-coz-they-waste-my-time type of a guy... how’ll I ever survive???
Hail, rand...save me...send me a John Galt please will you? He was a pure sciences guy, not like Rowark, who was an artist...but Galt...he waited and waited till it was time...only Dagny never knew...will I never know??? But she did get Galt...oh whatever!!! It is about time I move on really! The other day I couldn’t relate to these things and in my drunken state I want nothing more than this....Interesting, right? How one can be so hypocritical WITH one’s own self at odd times is definitely interesting...only if my foot wasn’t broken right now, I would have been out having fun doing something more interesting than typing random stuff online which might have spelling errors and gross grammatical mistakes..You think if I tried Hindi it would make more sense? After all it is my mother tongue. My mom was a Hindi poet...she wrote a poem about me once and I cherish it...my mom!! I miss her every second of my life...and I’m so drunk right now that she wouldn’t have approved of this craziness...like love does...of course I know the smell of love...if you don’t...I pity you, but it is an experience worth cherishing...you never know how and when you’ll get it in life...it just knocks on your door as if it is just passing by and it is up to you to let it in...Well, not so easily if you’re in a phase... lots of things matter then....lotsa things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You may wonder if I’ll puke tonight after so much drinking but it is a therapy, you see...after my broken ankle there isn’t much I can do sitting here on the stupid dining table for three hours...I want a party for a group of 7-8 and that should be fun and I want to cook for them just like right now when I’m doing nothing but typing random stuff on my keyboard that I will visit tomorrow morning with the realisation of the mess I made here....just coz I am drunk...only excuse that! But does it work in most circumstances... maybe it does I don’t know...It sure does at times.... but I won’t relate those to you...sorry...it is definitely the craziest writing I’ve ever done and I’m so darn aware of all those things I shouldn’t be writing about that its funny.. We talk about self-reflexivity in writing and this, my dear students, is a live example... I never knew that one could be so perceptive in a drunken state... and why the hell am I typing anyways ... not to prove to the world that I can make sense when I’m so... sa, re, ga, ma, pa, dha, ni, sa...I don’t care about you...I only want some sleep and a big warm hug.....anyone willing out there? Anyone making sense of this rainbow that has more than seven colours and is not a semi-circle to say the least! Well, good if you don’t get it; but if you do then climb the sinking boat and let us sail as far as we can before plummeting into the deep recesses of the wide ocean of incoherence... I am experiencing the delight in release, in letting go.... Randomness, I love thee!
